Things That Are Too Loud for $300!
Updated: Jan 16, 2019
So this was my first Bumble person. He had great photos, cute dogs, real estate job. Seemed like he had his life together. So we're messaging back and forth for a while and I decide to be spontaneous. Dating apps aren't my style, neither is spontaneity, so why not just go for it? Well my aunt texts me about some show tickets in the desert. They do this thing out here where they perform plays and musicals outside under the stars during the summers here...so this was one of those occasions. Anyway! My aunt invites me and a plus one so I invite this clown to see if he'd be up for it. Of course he went to college as a theatre major (FYI this is not a real degree. I'm so sorry if anyone reading chose that path, but stop. Save your money. Save your parent's money. Just take some acting classes, bypass the years of school and just go for your freakin dream! Film and stage roles don't care about your fuckin degree. They care about your talent and passion. Sorry for bashing your path. Go to school to be a doctor or some shit instead. Rant over.) so he was surprisingly interested.
I drive to his place. It's this gianormous, luxurious, mansion of a house and he's got this sleek little sports car in the drive way. *Score*. I get in his car and he drives us to this desert show. We enjoyed champagne, Don Quixote, and fun conversation. After, we ended up at some hookah lounge, shared a bowl and some bites, then we went back to his place so I could get my car...that's where I found out, it wasn't his place at all. He lives with his parents...did I mention he's 30? Technically no, there isn't anything wrong with that but as I've said before, I'm a judgmental bitch. So there was something wrong with that. But I looked past that, we went on a few more dates and suddenly it was my birthday.
I had plans to go to this margarita festival in California with my friends...but they were all dicks and forgot, or were in toxic relationships and weren't allowed to go (wtf). So I was telling him about this and how I was just gonna go to LA by myself. He said he wanted to go with...so I said sure. We bought the plane tickets, I booked the hotel, bought Dodger tickets and researched the best food and nightlife events. Then the week before, he gets sketchy. I could tell his energy was off like he was starting not be interested in me. I asked him if he just didn't want to go and he insisted that he did. I gave him a dozen opportunities to get out of the trip but he swore he wanted to go so plans proceeded as normal.
Fast forward to the airport. I should've taken this as a sign from the universe! So I live in a freakin desert. Those things are fuckin dry. It doesn't rain here. Well it randomly starts POURING when we get to the airport. Thunder and lightning so bad that the flight had to be delayed. FOR HOURS. We finally get on the plane, pull away from the gate...and then we get stuck AGAIN. So now we're sitting on the plane for another 2 hours, and instead of spending this entrapment time with me, he is literally talking to the random third person in our row the entire time. I'm hangry and annoyed and just want to get there. So many hours went by, that we literally could've driven there and back, we finally arrive. We check in to the hotel, get Korean BBQ, come back and have sex. All is well. The next day we go to this luxurious brunch at this dope rooftop spot in LA called The Perch. Highly recommend. The whole time, he has me taking pictures of him and his food and other dumb shit...let me remind you, this is MY birthday trip and I have zero pictures other than a single selfie to show for it. But that's besides the point. Then we spend the day going to a museum, enjoying cheese and wine, and adventuring around LA. It was fun...but the vibe was still off. It was that same weirdness I was feeling before the trip so things are getting kinda awkward.
That night, we were going to meet up with some of my friends and check out this cool club with burlesque dancers and absinthe, it was going to be a blast. So we get ready and I'm wearing this gorgeous silk, purple, sexy dress. My big eyelashes are on. My favorite shoes. I look amazing. I step out from getting ready in the bathroom and expect to hear something like "wow babe. You look amazing. Happy birthday!" but that is not the response I got. He says to me "This look is really loud" right in front of my friends. First off, EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME BUT IT'S MY BIRTHDAY AND I'M TRYING TO LOOK HOT SO FUCK RIGHT OFF YOU SHORT BASTARD FUCKWIT! Second off, FUCK YOU! But of course I didn't say anything. I was still recovering from an abusive relationship so I didn't have the balls. I just didn't say anything and absorbed that negative bullshit. Fortunately my other friends were there for me to focus my attention. I went on to have an amazing night, got super drunk and went to bed. No birthday sex. No birthday dress pictures of me. No nothing, but whatever. The next day we packed our bags and got ready for the day. This was my actual birthday. He gave me a card. Neato. We went to another awesome brunch and then to a Dodger game with my cousin. We basically didn't talk all day. He flipped through his phone during the game. It was all awkward. Then we met up with a friend of his for dinner before our flight home. Let me remind you, THIS WAS MY BIRTHDAY, but somehow I ended up paying for the meal because his friend was driving us around and to the airport that night. Absolute fuckin nonsense. He didn't even offer. So rude.
The flight home was awkward and quiet. The next day we ended whatever we were. I called him out for ruining my birthday. He was shocked because he thought I still had fun, which I did, but it would've been more fun to not have that wet blanket with me! I don't really have a way to end this story, but I'll wrap it up with some fun facts that didn't make it in to this.
His Bumble bio said he was 5’11…he was 5’6 at best, but I didn’t want to be a heightest
He’s a terrible real estate agent. He tried to help my best friend and her boyfriend find a rental home and was disrespectful and shitty the whole time
I usually remember dicks pretty well so I can make fun of them with my friends, but his was entirely not memorable so I have nothing cool to share about it
Glad I dodged that bullet