The Left Swipe Criteria
Updated: Jan 31, 2019
I've dabbled in several different apps. The one's that I found the most successful aren't the same as the one's that I found to be the most entertaining. Bumble was one of my favorites because I could literally lay in bed for hours, self loathing, eating popcorn (because it's "healthy") and swipe my life away.
I swipe left on A LOT more people than I swipe right. I swiped left on literally everyone in my state that the app asked me to expand my radius to allow for people from OTHER states. YIKES! But I think having high standards is important. Some people believe in swiping right on everyone. I don't need that many options or that many weirdos sending messages about "Wyd tonight?" at 11:59pm. I'd rather save my right swipes for people that might actually have a chance. Sure, you should get to know people before you write them off, but you should always put your best foot forward whether on a date or on an app. First impressions can make or break you.
Fun fact: I live in a tourist city so there's a TON of people that aren't local, that I just don't have interest in. So that's part of my discretion...but what makes up all of the other left swipes? A lot of judging books by their covers.
1. He's in the same pose in every picture
On a positive note, he knows his angles...assuming that same pose is even a good one. My assumption is that he just photoshops himself on to different backgrounds. Next.
2. He has glasses and/or hats on in every picture
He's either blind, bald, hiding himself because he's a wanted fugitive or all of the above. Maybe that doesn't bother some people but I think it's weird, so bye.
3. All of his pictures are extremely low resolution
It's 2019. You don't have to be some legendary photographer, but you do need to upgrade from your Blackberry Curve.
4. Every picture he's holding alcohol
I literally get paid to drink for work. I understand wanting a drink from time to time, but it's not my real life. If he's holding a beer/scotch/cocktail in every picture, all that says to me is he doesn't do anything with his life besides drink and party. When was the last time you climbed a mountain, you booze hound!?
5. All of his pictures are of him and his ex
He's not ready. Plain and simple. All this says to me is he's fresh out of a long term relationship and hasn't had enough time on his own to make his own memories. He's probably a nice guy but he needs to take some time for himself, and I am NOT gonna be a self-help rebound.
6. Too many shirtless pictures
We all get it. You have a great body and you want to show it off. Too bad you probably have a lame personality and you're riding on your looks. Fuckboy red flag!
7. Never looks directly at the camera
WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS LOOKING OUT IN TO THE DISTANCE?! I can't tell what you look like if you're gazing off somewhere. Thanks for the great scenery pics but have some confidence and show me that face. If I ever go out with you, I'm gonna have to look at that thing anyway so just get it over with.
8. Has poor dental hygiene
When it comes to teeth, I'm a little superficial. Those yellow snaggle teeth are going to distract me when you're talking to me. It's like the equivalent of Austin Powers and the mole. I whiten my teeth at home because I like tea, I invested in Invisalign and I wear night guards to sleep to keep this mouth in check.
9. FUCKING FACE TATTOOS
I shouldn't have to say anything more but the number of people with face tattoos in this city is SHOCKING. What do you do for a living that you can have your face covered in ink? Do you have a job? Do you sell drugs? Do you kill people for a living?
10. All of his pictures are professional
So you have a real job that requires you to have nice headshots? That's awesome! But you have no photos of you in real life? I know what my pictures look like without photoshop, so I'm not trusting that for a minute. Also from personal experience, since I did fall for this a few times...they tend to be tool bags that are way more in to their looks than you.
11. Works as a "nightclub host" or "personal trainer"
Oh, so you think you're cooler than you are? And you're going to tell me about all of the ladies that hit on you at work. Is that supposed to make me jealous or something? I don't care.
12. Bio says "I never come on here. Follow me and message me on instagram"
Then why did you make the profile? For followers? Loser.
13. Doesn't say anything in his bio
I know nothing about you. You're giving me NOTHING to strike up a conversation. What does that mean? You don't want a conversation. You're a fuckboy! *Left*