*Snapchat Notification* Please Don't Be a Dick Pic *Dick Pic*
Updated: May 17, 2019
Fun fact! No one wants an UNSOLICITED DICK PIC! Actually I don't think anyone seriously wants a dick pic at all ever. They aren't cute, and when you aren't expecting it, it's basically a nightmare direct to your phone. If they do ask for dick pics, some girl is either trolling you or you're on Grindr. That being said, there is a lovely gentleman that sends me some of the most artistic and creative dick pics and videos ALL THE TIME. This has been going on for almost a year. Usually when I tell this to people, they assume I must be reciprocating with some sort of erotic content to continue to have these weenies pop up. WRONG! Not only do I not send pictures, I don't even reply with any kind of message acknowledging that his weenie was received...but they just keep coming. So how did this happen? Who the heck is this guy? What in the ever loving fuck is his deal? Great questions!
Once upon a time, some girlfriends and I went to a firefighter bachelor auction for charity. (No this is not part of the 4-part firefighter saga. This is a totally unrelated firefighter incident, but if you want to be persnickety about it, this could be considered part 5 as a STRETCH. I don't see it that way, and these are my stories so mind your business). ANYWAY! If you've ever attended a firefighter auction, you know the guys are wild and thrusting and the women are drunk and screaming. It could be compared to a male stripper show, but the firefighters are less naked, less coordinated, way more creative, and HILARIOUS. At the auction, a friend of mine finds this guy very cute. He's a petite little dumpling in a cowboy hat, does his performance to a well known line dance song and has dozens of screaming housewives flood the stage to dance and get a chance to cop a feel at some butts. I think nothing of it because again, he's a petite little dumpling and I'm kinda a big bitch. I want you picking me up, not the other way around.
After the event, my friend finds him on Instagram and slides in to his DMs...then she realizes that he's a child and could almost be his mom. Does she do the simple thing and just ghost him? No. She pawns this idiot off on me. He then slides into MY DM's and he's like "your friend told me to hit you up". At this point, my eyes are rolling so aggressively in my head, I couldn't see straight for weeks. Being the nice lady that I am, I entertain some conversation with him and I try to be polite. He then wants my number...ehhhhh. So I let him add me on Snapchat instead. This is where I fucked up.
Now this clown starts trying to be all suggestive and talk me in to sending "sexy pictures". Hard pass bruh. I don't do shit like that. I've seen enough crime drama to know that's how you become infamous online and get murdered. Not to mention, I DON'T FREAKIN KNOW YOU, GUY! But that doesn't stop him from trying. He then pursues the angle of, "if I send you dick pics you're gonna reciprocate". Being the ass hole that I am, I would send back pictures of phallic food. Corn dogs, bananas, cucumbers, even potatoes for the lol's. DickPic4DickPic. Eventually I just stop responding entirely because I'm getting pics and videos like 5 times a day at least. I do not have time to be looking up "dick shaped food" in google all day. I have a day job and other things to do. On a plus side, I only had one other coworker in my office who thoroughly enjoyed watching this content.
But let me take a few steps back and describe these pics because this was not amateur hour of him on the toilet with a boner at the fire station. No, these were artistically crafted with lighting and music and anything else he could come up with. Hard, soft, undressing, jumping, his butt, etc. and often times in his bunk or shower at the fire station. I don't know what goes on in that place but I'm totally weirded out. One video in particular was on a whole other level. This guy goes camping and does outdoorsy stuff often so nature dicks weren't something I hadn't seen. This one video though, was freaking THOUGHT OUT! Like he must watch a TON of porn, choreographed his routine before he recorded and assembled a tripod of some sort to capture the action. So apparently they have these things so you can "shower" in nature. Like a bag full of water, and you hang it from a tree and let gravity do its thing. So he's soaping up and doing all of the angles and this goes on for like FIVE ever. If you're familiar with Snapchat, you know there is a time limit to the videos you can send and this guy maxed it out times 3. You may also know that with Snapchat, you can't take screenshots or video recordings without the other person being notified. Fortunately, I'm a jerk with 2 phones! I mentioned before about my coworker enjoying these obscenities, so I would just take pictures and recordings on the other device and airdrop him throughout the day. Is that rude? Probably. But unwanted dick pics are also rude so...
What I want to know is:
How many people is he sending these things to
How many people actually respond
How many people actually enjoy getting these surprises
How many people send spank bank material in return
What the fuck