MY NAME IS BECKY, AND I HAVE PROBLEMS

Want to laugh? Want to cry? Want to wince in pain from sheer awkwardness? Maybe something below can help with that. Buckle up and good luck, bitches.

 
  • Becky

New Fuckboy, Who Dis?

Updated: Jan 31, 2019


Welcome to the stage, another clown from Bumble! Now I planned on keeping anonymous names

for all of these weirdos, but this guy is a special case. I don't know what his actual fucking name is! But I'm getting ahead of myself. We'll get back to that.

So this was one of the early Bumble dates. This guy was too good looking, but had a vague af profile. I hadn't yet learned about all of the red flags to look for so I swiped right. His name was Michael, he looked normal. He messaged back right away and was super aggressive. Like let's meet tonight. WHOA! Wasn't ready. In my gut, I was thinking that seems weird, but I was new to this game and didn't know if that's how it worked. FYI, that's a red flag. Anyway. My friend Darnel and I were hanging out at some awful hookah lounge and reviewing my swipes. He encouraged me to just go out with the guy. No reason not to and it would be good practice.

So we meet up at this local bar (not some dingy gaming bar, but like a nice one. Where the white people go) and had a drink, played some pool, had some introductory conversation...and then all of a sudden up walks my exes younger brother and friend. AWKWARD. They were polite, said hi, introduced themselves to Michael and mentioned how there were more of them...and by more of them, I mean it was actually my exes birthday and his whole party of people was there. Did I already say AWKWARD?! My ex was still upset over things and left. Michael and I decided we should go. I said hi to the rest of the folks at the bar that I knew, and met up with Michael outside. We ended up at another bar, more of a "fun frat boy" style place. Played some beer pong. Everything was going fine. Long story short, we ended up having sex in his car and that was the end of my night.

We went out a second time. Had a few drinks and he was trying to take me back to his car. I told him that was a one-time sketchy thing and I'm not doing that again. We can go back to his place or I'd just see him another time. Here's where things get sketchy. And by sketchy, I mean, I shared my location with a couple friends from both of my phones because he was kinda creeping me out. OBVIOUSLY I should not have followed through with this. I easily could've gotten murdered or something but I'm gonna blame this on being naive and new to the process.

So we get to his house...but I have to park down the street...also the lights were all dark and we had to be quiet because "he was living with his brother and his family and they have young kids so we can't wake them up". When evaluating the situation now, I feel like he actually didn't live there and might've broken in to that house. It was fucking weird. Anyway, I'll spare you unnecessary details. So I'm leaving, he walks me to my car and says text me tomorrow. I say okay, I leave, I text everyone that I'm not dead. The next day, per my instructions, I text this guy. He replies "who is this? lol". "WHO IS THIS?! BITCH YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK THIS IS!" is what I wanted to say. What I actually said was nothing. Blocked. Deleted. The end.

PLOT TWIST! It was not the end! Fast forward a few weeks later and I'm talking to my friend Candice who is also exploring dating apps. I'm telling her about this fuck boy and she asked to see a picture, so of course I show her. She is then shocked because she actually talked to the same guy with the same aggressive communication style. Only she wasn't a moron so she never went out with him. But here is the twist...his name was Brandon. SAME PICTURES! So I'm thinking this guy is definitely a super sketchy, catfish weirdo! BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! Our other friend Lainey had recently started dating some guy that looked JUST LIKE MICHAEL/BRANDON! Except his name was now Daniel or Josh or some other basic white guy name. We weren't sure if we should tell her, because she was so annoyingly head over heels for him and was all over social media about how in love they were and how she was taking him to Hawaii and blah blah blah...but before we even could, he broke up with her. Yikes.

Moral of the story, I learned to use A LOT more discretion when even deciding to open a line of communication...probably why I swipe left on some many people. But better left than catfished.

 
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