Want to laugh? Want to cry? Want to wince in pain from sheer awkwardness? Maybe something below can help with that. Buckle up and good luck, bitches.

  • Becky

My Dog's, Brother's, Dad

Is the title confusing? Good. Because so is this human. A rule of thumb I usually follow is to ignore any DM's and not follow back anyone who is a "club promoter". Why? Because they're just looking to fill their guest list. And if for some bizarre reason they're trying to "slide in the DMs", they're all major fuck boys. So how did I even open up a line of conversation with this guy? Well he has a dog...and not just any dog...his dog LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE MY DOG. No exaggeration, literal twins. Like put their photos side by side and you couldn't tell which dog was which! Through some conversation, we came to realize our dogs actually had the same mom, but were from different litters. Our dogs were both from the same shelter, and their mom was a breeding dog, but she was abandoned with his dog because she couldn't make any more babies. HOW SAD RIGHT?! Anyway. This guy wanted to get a coffee. Me being naive, I assumed this was just to say hi and talk about dogs. I don't think I even need to tell you how stupid that idea was!

So here we are, at a nice little coffee spot downtown, and I'm instantly annoyed. This doofus WONT STOP TALKING. We sat there for an hour and a half and he just spewed chaos, non-stop, the entire time. Somehow talking at a billion mph, he still managed to be one of the most boring people I've ever met. Also one of the most awkward people I've ever met. In his high velocity tangent, he told about his family who he has virtually no relationship with anymore. His dad has some crazy new wife that doesn't like him, so they all don't talk anymore. But then his dad got in a motorcycle accident and lost a leg and an arm. Then he tells me about his mom and his sister who would rather starve to death than not have cigarettes. Long story short, I got WAY more information than I wanted on a first interaction with someone.

In typical Becky fashion, I just didn't talk to him anymore and disappeared in to the abyss. Unfortunately, we do work in parallel industries so I was bound to run in to him...and I did. He shows up at this lounge downstairs from the club I work at, because him and some buddies we're coming up to the club, and my friends and I were having a drink down there before. He proceeds to walk up and be friendly...but then AGGRESSIVELY hits on all 3 of my friends in rotation. After everyone is thoroughly creeped out, we ditch him and get to work! But was that the last of crazy dog guy? I wish! Fast forward a few weeks later. Texting with a friend of mine who asks if I know this guy. So I tell her how I know him and she laughs because he told her that he and I "dated", when he was trying to slide in her DMs and saw that I was a mutual. I guess I didn't realize that getting a casual coffee with someone one time, was dating. But what do I know!

Or don't do that because, just leave people alone

So that has to be the end of bizarre interactions right? NOT! Every once in a while I get a creepy, drunk DM from him asking why I won't date him. Or asking if I think he's attractive. Or asking why I won't hang out with him. The only thing he had going for him was the dog...THAT HE GAVE AWAY FOR NO FREAKIN REASON! Per his social media, he allegedly couldn't take the dog with him to wherever he was moving. I hate this kind of person. I have no witty conclusion for this story. This guy is a looney toon.



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