MY NAME IS BECKY, AND I HAVE PROBLEMS

Want to laugh? Want to cry? Want to wince in pain from sheer awkwardness? Maybe something below can help with that. Buckle up and good luck, bitches.

 
  • Becky

Firefighters in Four Parts


Firefighters are hot in a lot of ways. Sure they have rippling muscles from wearing and carrying their gear, but also because they're literally on fire (HA! Hot. Fire. Get it?). But what's not hot? Their personalities...but I had to give it at least 3 attempts to be sure. So every year the local firefighters host a big fundraiser for The Burn Foundation. They have several events, but the big screamer is their Bachelor Auction. They parade fit, young, gentlemen across a stage and cougars in the crowd go wild! It's actually a lot of fun and a very successful fundraiser (I threw the link up above in case you want to check it out or donate). But let's get in to the juicy stuff. I couldn't really decide on the right order for these guys, so I'm just gonna run with it!


I wish this was a dramatic exaggeration...but it is not.

Part 1 - Ponytail Guy

So at the end of the show last year, this one guy was lingering around our group. I can't blame him. We were the only group seated on the stage, a bunch of pageant girls and models, plus our friend was the emcee for the show! Me being the (unfortunately) friendly person that I am, entertained conversation with this guy. Despite being nice, I'm also simultaneously a huge dick and made fun of his hair all night. I think he thought it was (buzzword of the week) endearing, when really, I thought his hair was stupid. The two of us, with some of our friends went to the lounge to have drinks and really awkward conversation. An hour or so later, I decided it was time to go. He walked me to my car and asked for a kiss because he "earned it". YIKES! But there it was. The next day, the crew was going to lay out by the pool since the firefighters had a cabana.

Anyway. We talked for a little while and eventually went on a sushi date. It was SO UNCOMFORTABLE! He's just a really awkward human. I feel like he's one of those guys that listens to tapes about being an alpha male and how to woo women with your masculinity...actually he may have even said he does that. He certainly reads a lot of self help books. So this date ends. It wasn't great. We're still texting at this point. And back to the part about me being a huge dick...I didn't save his name in my phone. His name in my contacts was "PONYTAIL FIREFIGHTER GUY". No big deal. My contacts, I can call him what I want...except when he texts me something weird and I screen shot it to send to my friend and I ACCIDENTALLY SEND IT TO HIM. I SENT HIM A SCREEN SHOT OF HIS OWN MESSAGE AND YOU CAN SEE THE NAME ON THE CONTACT. So now I'm sweating. Cursing my friend who told me not to put real names down for people I'm not seriously seeing. And screaming. FUCK FUCK FUCK! I don't even remember my elaborate lie I used to cover for this, but it ended up with me committing to a second date the next night to make up for it.

So we go to this little Chinese place downtown...but let's back it up a bit. He wanted to carpool so I picked him up and drove. Back it up and read that line again if you need to because I've just set myself up for DANGER. This date goes just as awkwardly as the first. The conversation is yikes. His ego is yikes. I am checked out...BUT STILL TOO GOD DAMN NICE. I take him home and he asks if I want to come in and meet his dogs. I didn't want to be rude so I did. Anyway. He starts kissing me, I'm internally screaming and then I drop the worst line ever. "I need to go before things escalate". I then made a beeline for the door, checked my phone and realized I had about 10 missed calls from a friend who knew I would need saving...and then I went to meet up with him and his friends at a gay bar! To say the least, ponytail and I didn't talk again.

Part 2 - The Obvious Tool

So this guy. It's in the title...OBVIOUS TOOL. Super buff, good looking, radiating fuck boy vibes. I met him at the same charity event. We chatted before the event and that was pretty much it. He was ALL OVER the theatre bouncing from lady to lady, but hey! That's part of the gig! Anyway. We talked a bit after the event and my friend invited him out to a little promo at one of the nightclubs. A little alcohol and a one night stand later...that's pretty much the end of his story. He was a nice piece of meat though...in all ways. Bummer. But he did leave his watch at my place. And it was a very nice watch. I tried to talk him in to getting together again to retrieve it, but he fuckboy'd me, so obviously there was never a second interaction...so obviously I gave his watch to my friend's boyfriend. And that's it!

Part 3 - Mr. Soul Mate

Now this guy, I didn't meet at the event. I actually met him through a dating app...but him being a firefighter should've been a red flag. Conversation was decent in our messages, so I decided to go on a date. That day, I decided I'm really just not in to him, so before we met I had checked out. It didn't help that he chose probably the worst restaurant at this shopping plaza...Their servers don't know which cheese on the board is "blue", a salad takes 45 minutes to come out, and their pizza is always burnt...in an unpleasant way. But I put my pretentious, little ego away and went. He mentioned that he had hockey practice that night so I made sure to back our meal right up to that, so I would have a guaranteed escape.

The meal goes on and simply, I was not impressed. I felt like this date went on for 10 years...and then...he decided we were soul mates. Our lives were so similar and intertwined and we had such chemistry and BLAH BLAH BLAH. Let me remind you. This was a first meeting. I saw all of those signs too, but took them as red flags. YIKES!

So we go our separate ways. I get the wettest kiss of my life, and then he went to his hockey practice. As soon as he got done, he text me to grab a drink. Again, let me remind you. This is only a few hours later...and I never replied to his messages again.

Part 4 - Lizard Guy

Another firefighter that I did not meet from the auction. I actually met this guy in real life! I was at a charity event for a children's organization and there were some fire fellas there to hang out with the kids! They were letting them climb on the truck, wear the gear etc. It was adorable. So this one guy showed me how to use the jaws of life, and that was the end of that story.

Just kidding. So like a year later, I see him on a dating app but didn't make the connection that he was the guy from that event. We start texting and all of a sudden it clicks. I don't remember who realized it first, but one of us shared the hilarious picture we took together the year before. Cute right? So we go out a few times. He is super polite, tons of fun, checks all of the boxes. He would randomly Facetime me just to see me and other cute things. Then over night, the communication pattern changed. It went from frequent and flirtatious to almost non-existent. Typically this means he found a new, shinier toy. So being the confrontational dick that I am, I call him out about it. Then I get the "I'm just not looking for anything serious right now" thing...I hate this for numerous reasons.

  1. Why are you on a relationship based dating app and not a hookup app?

  2. You're the one that instigated all of the interactions. I just reciprocated.

  3. Why are you wasting my time?

So that was a wash, but we're still friendly. We chat from time to time, but any possibility of that going anywhere is out the window. I'm also trying to wrap up his story and I remembered that I didn't mention the lizard thing. He likes lizards. Or I guess chameleons? Whatever you call that green thing in the hat in the picture. So he has one of those guys and is obsessed with it and it's really the only defining feature about him that I could use to identify him in the crowd of fire fighters.


Still have a fire in you and need some more firefighter action to put it out? Read about the guy with the outrageous dick pics.

 
high_heels_facebook_cover_1462873053_edi

CONTACT

Have a story you want to share? Want to become a contributor? Or are you just looking for someone to listen to your #BeckyProblems?

Slide in to my DMs, let's chat.

                    : @BeckyProblems

EMAIL: SwipeRight@BeckyProblems.com

©2019 by #BeckyProblems