MY NAME IS BECKY, AND I HAVE PROBLEMS

Want to laugh? Want to cry? Want to wince in pain from sheer awkwardness? Maybe something below can help with that. Buckle up and good luck, bitches.

 
  • Becky

Emotionally Unavailable Goldfish


Time to set the scene. After giving up (once again) on trying to meet and date people in real life, I found myself back on Hinge. As I'm swiping along I come across a gentleman I have met before. He was my ex's former manager. I've always thought he was good looking, and he has always been so kind whenever I had talked to him in the past. Already there is a red flag, danger zone, situation here. I know they haven't worked together in several years, and don't remember them ever being close friends, so I decide to take the risk and message him. We have a pleasant exchange and agree to grab a drink.

We ended up bar hopping around one of the nicer casinos and had an amazing time. Like this was probably the most fun I've ever had on a date ever. We started out at more of a luxe lounge and had a few drinks, just chatting and getting to know each other. So far so good. Then he walked me to an area that was under construction...this was actually the restaurant he had spent so much time working on to open, and he gave me an early tour to show all of his creativity and hard work. When people are passionate about things, it really does it for me, so this was freakin cool. We then went to another lovely bar and spent the time dancing, laughing and having a magical time...until...the Death Star. We were laughing about this beverage vessel that was size of a disco ball, but looked like a Death Star! It was so ridiculous, and we were just inebriated enough to think that this was hilarious. I left to use the restroom and came back to find that he's ordered whatever this thing is! It was literally served with a ladle. Needless to say, we had a fabulous drunk time and went back to his place.

We met up several times after this, after work and on nights off at a bar he owned or just at his place. We would drink wine, listen to music, sing oldies songs and dance across his living room. I literally couldn't ask for a more fun and perfect situation. We would have great conversations and fun times in person, but his texting was kinda the worst. At this point, that was my only grievance. But that's basically where all of the good times come to a screeching halt. During all of this fun he invites me to dinner (a real date instead of just a hang out at home date) twice...both times he cancels on me. And not like a day in advance, or something came up at work, kind of cancel. Like an hour before, after I've finished my hair and makeup, and then he says "I'm not feeling tip top". Who talks like that? Also that's rude! What's worse? He still went out...so he just wasn't feeling tip top enough to go to dinner with me, but was tip top enough to go to the bar and get drunk with his friends, and then text me that he misses me. Mixed message, much? So one night at one of our bar meet-ups, I ask him if he wants me to fuck off. He's been acting kinda cold and weird, the nights he kept standing me up, telling me how he just got out of a relationship not too long ago and doesn't want anything serious. Like okay. I get it. I can take a hint. But then I ask "do you want me to fuck off?" and he says "no. I like what we have. Let's go to the Bahamas". *Insert eye roll here*. The mixed messages and games are exhausting. But he is emotionally unavailable. He's also a goldfish because he's a useless moron that just bobs around in his tank, waiting to get his Becky flakes. But don't worry, it doesn't end there!

At work, I received a voucher for free Billy Idol tickets, since he was performing on property. Since we enjoy the oldies music, I ask if he'd be interested in going...he agrees. I stand in line on the day of the show to collect my tickets, I plan out my very 80's outfit, and start getting ready for the night. He then calls me and says how slammed he is at work but he's still gonna try to make it. A few hours go by and I haven't gotten an update. I decide to just get ready and head down to the venue just in case he can make it and just hadn't had a chance to tell me any different. 30 minutes before the show starts, he tells me he can't go. There's no time for me to find anyone to go with me instead, so I just don't go. Fortunately, I had a little gig I could work at a little speakeasy with some friends, so I go there to stay busy instead! AND WHO DO YOU THINK SHOWS UP LATER THAT NIGHT?! The fucking goldfish! So you're too busy to go to a show with me, that you said you wanted to...but you're not too busy to show up at another venue. Awkward...but I didn't confront him or say anything. I just decided fuck this guy, and be done with him.

So that has to be the end right? Wrong. He messages me a week later and invites me to an exclusive dinner for a high-end restaurant opening. I am not able to go because I am working at the club, but the restaurant is in the same casino so he said he would stop by with some of his clients. I am slightly annoyed but also flattered that he even thought to invite me. But this was not an attempt at flattery. This was all just another game. Fast forward in the night. He brings his clients up and I do my job. I make sure they have fun and enjoy their time. I try giving the goldfish the cold shoulder because he so rudely left me hanging with the concert...but then he's grabbing my hand to dance with him, he starts kissing my face. Acts like everything is normal when it is NOT normal! He says he's taking his clients to his bar after and to come meet them for a drink, since I was off soon. I get off, I drive to the bar and his car isn't there. I text, I call, no reply. His client messaged me on Instagram and said what a great time they had and how they ended up going to some Latin club instead...but I didn't see this message until the next day. I instead spent that night going in to the bar and having a drink alone with his bartenders. They felt so bad for me that they brought me pizza. SO SAD! But I am for real, for real done with him this time.

Fast forward a few months later and I'm driving in the car with my mom. She says to me "you know Goldfish and Mr. Hyde still talk to each other?"...uhhh...I definitely freaking didn't! So of course I have to ask how she even knows this information. Turns out on Venmo, you can see interactions people in your contacts have. My mom still has Mr. Hyde in her contacts list so she can see his activity. Being the crazy person that I am, I investigate. The entire month and a half that the goldfish and I were seeing each other, he was BUYING DRUGS FROM MY EX!!!!! So I don't know if I'm some kind of joke to them and they get off on being Eskimo Brothers, or if goldfish never told him. But either way, fuck both of these douchebags. Also fuck the universe because for whatever reason, I can not remove these idiots from my life.

Now I'm in a situation where I have a client who sells items that are for the restaurant industry. He wants me to reach out to Mr. Hyde because he works at a Michelin restaurant, to invite him, his chef and GM to a cocktail hour to see the product. *PTSD kicks in. Starts hyperventilating*. He also wants me to reach out to goldfish because his restaurant is fucking world renowned, and my client sells to the locations in China, so it would be an easy connection to the local venue. Having both of these guys in the same room, for the same event would be so uncomfortable for me but equally hilarious, assuming they don't know about each other. So now I'm on a quest for a nice, hot af, man to come as my +1 to this event to make them feel intimidated. Not opposed to throwing a guy some money to act like we're doing it. Accepting applications now.

 
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