MY NAME IS BECKY, AND I HAVE PROBLEMS

Want to laugh? Want to cry? Want to wince in pain from sheer awkwardness? Maybe something below can help with that. Buckle up and good luck, bitches.

 
  • Becky

Captain 2-Pump, Dog Park


This is a MAJOR throw back. This is actually pre-disaster, ex-boyfriend and I had no intentions of even talking about this guy (actually I forgot he was even a person), but he actually crept out of the woodwork recently and found me on my public Facebook page and messaged me there instead of at my personal profile...like a weirdo. So once upon, seven years ago, my dog was a wee little pup and I would take her to the dog park. Something every responsible pitbull owner should do with their dog (or any breed of dog for that matter) to make sure they are properly socialized and know how to interact with other dogs. At this point, my dog is all of 4 months old but she's too big for the small dog run. I SHOULD'VE been allowed to let her play with the little dogs because she's a baby, but people are dicks and racist about breeds, so she had to play with the big dogs. By big dogs I mean full-grown Labs, German Shepards, Huskies, Great Danes, and other big'ol doggos. Let me reiterate, my dog is a FOUR MONTH OLD BABY.

Why are there so many gifs of dogs in swings? This is weird.

Anyway, my dog had a thing for fluffy dogs. There was this one husky named Whiskey who she would ALWAYS play with. He would grab her by the collar and drag her down the hill, but she liked it and they would chase, so whatever. On days when Whiskey wasn't there, there was another Husky she would play with...I don't remember his name because his dad is the weirdo this story is supposed to be about and I forgot he was even a person...but I've already said that. Let's just call his dog Foof. So my dog and Foof would play and when dogs make friends, their parents tend to try to make friends. So Foof's dad introduces himself, let's call him...uhh...basic white name...Jared. Jared and I would chat at the park and after a few weeks, exchanged numbers. At this point of my youth, I was naive. I didn't pick up on signals, I didn't understand come ons and "asking people out" as a date was totally foreign to me. Maybe I should dig in to that before I move on here. I'm like 17, going on 18. I graduated high school earlier this year where the majority of students were Mormon, and it was my first semester in community college. I work at a dance studio, I don't have a car and I take the city bus to get to school. So when I say naive, we're talking whole other level. Plus, all of my childhood friends went off to their fancy universities and joined sororities and I was having a friend deficit. I just wanted a friennnnnnnnd. But that's dumb because creepy older guys don't want to be friends with children. They want to give them candy and trick them in to their windowless vans.

Two Pump Chump ring any bells?

So it turns out, this guy is older. He looked like 19 at best, but if my memory serves me correctly, he was like 25-27. So go ahead and start waving the red fucking flag. Moving on...this guy asks me out. I want to say maybe we got dinner or lunch a few times, maybe a movie? I know he would pick me up from the community college on my break between classes and we'd hang out then too. So one day after my 18th birthday, and I've gathered enough money to buy my first car, I drive over to his place with my dog. Little doggie playdate with a side of Netflix and chill (I don't even think Netflix was a "thing" yet. God I've been making bad choices for a long time. I really think I needed any kind of adult supervision or examples or something growing up...but we'll dig in to my abandonment/didn't get hugged enough/daddy issues another time I guess). So the chill part of the Netflix and chill commences...and then LITERALLY 2 seconds later it's done. I wish that was an exaggeration but it takes me longer to blow my nose than it took for him to...well...that's a gross phrase so I won't say it. You get the picture. Being the nice person I am, I played it cool and didn't make him feel bad about it. LIES. I'm an ass hole. I laughed. I 1000000% laughed. SO RUDE, right?! But it's like late at this point and my dog is curled up snoring, so I use that as an excuse to just go home and avoid prolonging this interaction.

To be fair, I wasn't a TOTAL ass hole though. Becky today would've definitely ghosted this guy just because interacting with him would've been uncomfortable and I'm an avoider. I also don't give a lot of chances and don't have a lot of patience for weirdos. Child Becky of the past on the other hand, gave a lot of chances. So we still talked per usual, and I invite this guy to a charity dinner. Let me clarify. This is not a "buy your ticket to the event and enjoy the meal that comes with it" charity dinner. This is a "order whatever food and drinks you want and a % goes back to the organization" type of dinner. So we go, everything is all fine and well, he orders a beer or three...then the check comes AND HE HAS NO MONEY. Was I expecting him to pay? Absolutely not. I was the one that invited him. But if you're gonna order alcohol and rack up the bill on my dime, and I'm literally an under age child, you should at least split the bill with me. He didn't even have cash to tip! So here I am footing this whole $100+ bill, on a dance studio salary (which let me assure you is fuckin pennies) for this clown. Did I mind? Absofuckinlutely. But at the same time, it was a charity for a friend who has a child with Down Syndrome, and he is the sweetest little angel this world has ever known, so I couldn't really be that mad. Moving past this ridiculous bill, he didn't even say thanks for feeding and boozing his ass, so I made up some excuse to just go home after dinner that I can't remember because this was a billion years ago. THEN I ghosted him because how annoying is this guy.

At this time, I kinda stopped going to the dog park. My dog was getting bigger and the big dog parents were doing the racist dog breed thing (even though my dog was the one getting bit and dragged all over the park. One time some dick Labrador named Frodo chomped her ear and ripped it open. My dog didn't even fight back. Bleeding ear and all, she still tried to be friendly to that jerk, but I'm totally off topic now) so I just took my dog for walks at the regular parks instead. It also was a good opportunity for me to ghost at a higher level. I feel like there wasn't any major pursuit after that incident or maybe I blocked him? Hard to say. So here we are 7 years later and this weirdo is trying to hang out. Asking me what kind of music I like and blah blah barf. Am I going to link up? Absolutely not. Am I going to hustle him in to coming to my club on EDM night, since that's "his type of music" and get him to buy a table and bottles for him and his friends, so I make commission off his dumb ass? You betcha! I'll keep you posted.

I had to end it on a dog meme. You're welcome.

 
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